


What To Do When You’re Bored (And Dead)

by Redring91



Series: Dead Dwarf Peanut Gallery [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 08:58:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1299100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redring91/pseuds/Redring91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because everyone needs something to do, when they find that death can actually be quite boring. And annoying bloody wizards is marginally safer when you’re ALREADY dead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Inspired by the Magnificence that is Determamfidd's Sansûkh</p>
            </blockquote>





	What To Do When You’re Bored (And Dead)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [determamfidd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/determamfidd/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Sansûkh](https://archiveofourown.org/works/855528) by [determamfidd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/determamfidd/pseuds/determamfidd). 



> This is in no way a bribe thrown at the feet of the Great and Powerful Dets for a new chapter of Sansûkh SOON. *shifts eyes suspiciously* And not a blatant attempt to coerce more people into reading her masterpiece either. *Laughs manically* No really, it’s not.

\-----

\--What To Do When You're Bored (And Dead)--

\-----

Nori – [waits for silence]

[Thorin, Kíli, Fíli, Bifur, Balin, Óin, and Ori settle and wait expectantly]

Ori – Okay, Nori, what’s this really important meeting all about then?

Nori – [pauses dramatically] I’m bored. 

[Silence]

Kíli/Fíli – You’re BORED?!?!

Nori – [glares] Yes I’m bored. Now hush and listen, and it’ll be worth your while. 

Óin – It better be.

Nori – [ignores him] Since we have nothing better to do, I hereby issue you all with a challenge. [grins slyly when all sons of Durin perk up at the word] The victor of said challenge will receive respect, and the honour of immunity from my thieving, for an entire week.

Kíli/Fíli – A WEEK?!?! [both grin]

Balin – What sort of challenge do you propose?

Nori – I thought we’d pay a visit to our esteemed wizard. Nothing like haunting an old acquaintance, is there?

Ori – Especially when he can so often see us? [scribbles down information]

Nori – Exactly. The winner will be the first one to successfully extract from said wizard a piece of information that he has concealed from us during our travels. Because I’m bored; and nothing irritates a wizard more than folk asking him stupid questions. 

Balin – And because, I assume, that as we are all dead, we cannot be threatened with transformations into things of an unnatural nature for our impudence?

Nori – [unconcernedly] There’s that.

Kíli – [whines] But this gives uncle a huge advantage! Gandalf is always talking to him – he’ll see him straight away! All Thorin has to do is ASK!

Thorin – [smirks]

Balin – [to Thorin] You’re going last, laddie.

Kíli/Fíli – We’re first!!

Bifur – Then me.

Óin – Not before me, you don’t.

Ori – Stop! I’m trying to write! [scribbles some more] Anyway, the order, as stipulated by the terms of our last contract, is clear: Kíli-and-Fíli, Bifur, Balin, Óin, Thorin, and then me.

Fíli – WHEN me and Kíli win, do we get two weeks, since there’s two of us?

Nori – No. 

[Bifur and Óin chuckle as Ori adds a footnote to this effect]

Thorin – And what information do we need to compel the good wizard to reveal to us?

Nori – His favourite colour. [shrugs] Dori was always complaining that our burglar knew and wouldn’t tell him.

[Various mumbles of general assent amongst the company]

Ori – [mutters] You just want to follow Dori around and boast that you know and he doesn’t, even if he can’t hear you.

Nori – These are the terms. First one to obtain and report the fact gets the reward. I won’t say ‘may the best dwarf win’ because I’m not playing. [Several eyes are rolled at Nori] You visit Gandalf, try to get an answer, then we all gather again and you report back, failure means the next one has a go. We keep going until someone wins.

Balin – Sounds fair enough.

Bifur – Ra Shândabi.

Ori/Óin – Agreed.

[All sons of Durin are supremely confident of victory and nod; two energetically and one majestically] 

Nori – [with a theatrical flourish] Then let the game begin.

\-----

Kíli – Gandalf.

Fíli – Gandalf.

Kíli – Gandalf.

Fíli – Gandalf.

Kíli – Gandalf.

Fíli – Gandalf.

[Brief silence as both of them inspect the wizard, who continues to be apparently oblivious to their presence]

Kíli – [pouts] It’s not working.

Fíli – Strange that. This usually works.

Kíli – Guess we just keep going until he surrenders?

Fíli – Yeah. No one can endure our interrogations for long.

Kíli – Gandalf!

Fíli – Gandalf!

Kíli – Gandalf!

Fíli – Gandalf!

\-----

[Nori, Ori, Bifur, Balin, Óin, and Thorin all look at Kíli and Fíli expectantly]

Nori – Well?

Fíli – [grudgingly] Nothing to report.

Óin – The wizard SURVIVED your pestering? My respect for him has increased dramatically.

Bifur – [chortles wildly]

Ori – [hides smile as he records the failure]

Kíli – I don’t understand it. [scowls] That ALWAYS works. Gandalf never used to have such tolerance to our [mimics Gandalf] “foolish questions” before! But nothing! Nothing! No response! HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED?

Thorin – [smirks slightly] Have you not seen the young Brandybuck and Took at work? He has to deal with their ‘foolish questions’ almost constantly. AND they are infuriating Hobbits on top of that. [Unsuccessfully attempts to contain his appreciation for the supreme power of Hobbits] I think you two have serious competition in the art of frustrating others into compliance. 

Kíli/Fíli – [stare at Thorin in horror]

\-----

Gandalf – A fair sight for you, my friend.

Legolas – [sounding pensive] Yes. They complement the slender trees just so. [Turns cool] Though no doubt our Master Dwarf here does not find them agreeable.

Gimli – Oh, I wouldn’t say so, lad. I’ve been reliably informed they have a language of their own. I can appreciate them for that. But I’ll leave you with your thoughts. [Walks back towards the camp]

Legolas – [surprised, stunned and a bit flustered by the unexpected response. Tries to watch Gimli walk away without looking like he’s watching Gimli walk away]

Gandalf – [murmurs] Perhaps I should fetch our Hobbits too. They will also enjoy the view.

[Bifur looks at Gandalf. Looks at the flowers growing in the small grove by Legolas’s feet.]

\-----

Nori – So, let me get this straight. You used your session with the wizard to look at a field of flowers instead?

Bifur – Aye.

Nori – [pauses. Shakes head in bafflement]

Ori – [records failure] What were they?

Bifur – Forget-me-nots, Frodo said.

Thorin – For true love and memories.

[All others turn to stare at Thorin; expressions ranging from incredulous surprise to sly amusement]

Thorin – [Majestically oblivious] What?

\-----

Balin – I am going to assume you are aware of my presence but ignoring me. I am well versed in that tactic, Gandalf, having been in the service of a certain Dwarf king for many years. 

Gandalf – [does not respond, but a hint of a smile appears behind his beard]

Balin – I suspect that if I respond in the manner I always do – talk at you until you decide to demand I ask you whatever original question I was pondering over silently and answer quickly in the hopes it will send me on my way – it will not work with you. 

Gandalf – [pulls out his pipe]

Balin – In fact, I’ve already come to the conclusion that you are not going to answer any direct questions put to you, since you have obviously worked out that we are all fishing for information. I’m not going to ask you anything. Nor will I tell you what the question is. I will however bring to your attention that I have a separate wager running with Kíli and Fíli over whether Thorin will get the answer we seek from you. If he doesn’t, they have sworn not to pester you, or I, for a full month, in any conceivable way.

Gandalf – [raises eyebrows and hmmms thoughtfully around his pipe]

Balin – Merely a detail I thought you would want to consider.

\-----

Balin – I was unsuccessful.

Ori – [records this diligently]

Nori – Then why are you smiling?

Balin – No reason, lad, no reason at all. [Turns smile onto Kíli and Fíli]

Kíli/Fíli – [eye him suspiciously]

\-----

Óin – [settles in patiently amongst the Fellowship and simply listens.]

Gandalf – [does not acknowledge him at all]

Óin – [grows hopeful when the conversation between the Hobbits and The Elf eventually turns to the proper etiquette of colours. Wonders how to get the bloody wizard to join the conversation]

Boromir – [returns from firewood expedition and takes his seat beside Gimli] Come, Master Gimli. I gladly gave you tales last night about the practise yards I trained in as a boy. You must tell me tales of your own tonight! I confess I would like to hear more of the work you have done in the mines. Would you speak of that to me?

Gimli – [considers] Aye, laddie, perhaps I can tell a tale or two.

Óin – [groans] Not more secrets, nephew!

\-----

Óin – [Ranting] …started speaking of rocks and stone, with that miserable Elf right there, telling that Man about how Dwarrows can find their way without light – 

Balin – [holds head in hands and moans unhappily]

Fíli – So I take it you had no success either then?

Óin – [Still ranting] –shouldn’t be giving up our secrets to these Men and that Elf! Did I not teach him to know better than that? He’s going to drive me to the grave!

Bifur – [grunts] Already dead.

Óin – [continues ranting] –be telling them about BRAIDS next and I swear if he does that I’m going to drink myself under a table in shame – 

Kíli – Won’t you do that anyway?

Óin – [continues] – and never emerge again until the reforging of the world!

Ori – [sighs] So, putting this down as unsuccessful, then.

\-----

Thorin – [Strides purposefully towards the wizard] Gandalf.

Aragorn – [To Sam] That was well done, Master Gamgee. 

Sam – [splutters and huffs with embarrassed pleasure as he resumes his seat, having finished his poem]

Thorin – [insistent] Gandalf! 

Gandalf – [To Aragorn] Yes, Hobbits have a great gift for rhyme. [smiles lazily, but his eyes twinkle mischievously]

Thorin – [now very impatient – he will not be ignored, thank you very much, he is a bloody KING – and summons all powers of Majestic and Heroic Leadership, concentrated into scowl-of-obedience] GANDALF!

Gandalf – [suddenly and very suspiciously smiles innocently] You would be familiar with the terrible acts of retribution a Hobbit can be driven to if they encounter ‘shoddy poetry,’ would you not, Aragorn?

Thorin – [draws deep breath, preparing to shout so loudly that bloody Sauron would hear him all the way in Mordor]

Aragorn – [laughs] Yes, indeed. The entirety of Lord Elrond’s Halls treaded lightly after witnessing Bilbo Baggins flaying poor Elladan and Elrohir with his silver tongue when he found them drunkenly slurring their ballads. 

Thorin – [attention moves instantly from Gandalf to Aragorn breathlessly] That would have been a sight to behold. [smiles affectionately] What did my burglar do?

Gandalf – [highly amused] Perhaps you would tell the tale?

Thorin – [turns towards Aragorn eagerly as the narrative commences; wizard forgotten]

Gandalf – [blows a smoke ring smugly]

\-----

Thorin – [glowers majestically] I was distracted.

Kíli/Fíli – [Look crestfallen]

Balin – [looks satisfied]

Nori – [eyebrows raised in disbelief] By what?!

Thorin – [grumbles incomprehensively, but “Bilbo” is still discernable]

[Remaining members of the company valiantly attempt not to laugh at their love-stricken King, for fear of suffering the Glare of Doom]

\-----

Ori – [nervously] Gandalf?

Gandalf – [Silent as he keeps watch]

Ori – Right. Um. Not sure if you can hear me. But here goes. [straightens] So, I’m writing some appendixes for our quest…

\-----

[All other members of the company stare at Ori in awe]

Kíli – You have it. The answer?

Ori – [smiles triumphantly] Yes.

[Continued expressions of awe]

Nori – [clears throat] Okay then. Out with it.

Ori – [recites serenely] “Mithrandir among the Elves, Tharkûn to the Dwarves; Olórin I was in my youth in the West that is forgotten, in the South Incánus, in the North Gandalf; to the East I go not. Preferences: Red wine or tea; Old Toby before Longbottom Leaf; Grey is, of course, my favourite colour; do as I say, and do not ‘good-morning’ me unless you want an adventure. That should suffice for your purposes.”

[Silence]

Kíli – Gandalf…the…Grey.

[More silence]

All members of the company simultaneously – Bloody Wizard.

\-----

Ori – Just wanted to remind you. Again. That I won.

Nori – [smiles. Genuinely. And in no way wants to yank his brother’s hair in a childish manner] I remember Ori. 

Ori – And Dori always used to say that if you respected him, you’d take an interest in his work. So you have to come with me to the library.

Nori – Of course I will. [Still smiling. Wishes bloody Thorin had won and blames Bilbo for this.]

Ori – [adds innocently, with no indication that he is enjoying this whatsoever] I could use some help with the schedule.

Nori – Sure, Ori. [ONLY. SEVEN. MORE. DAYS.]

Ori – [smiles delightedly]

\-----

**Author's Note:**

> Gandalf’s Name-Speech taken from The Two Towers. Majority of other things inspired by Sansûkh.
> 
> Ra Shândabi – And agreed


End file.
